The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Here it is:

The Good...we'll say, "Me."  As in Me, Erica, and I'm awesome! 

The Bad...let's call it what it is, "Obese." As in I'm so obese that I have health issues and both my parents died prematurely of lifestyle related diseases, and I have 2 little girls who need 2 old parents, and I'm not going to see them grow if I die like my parents, living the lifestyle they did. (Phew)

The Ugly...honestly, "Baby got back." Waaaaaaaay too much back.  

Now that that's out of the way, let's call the Truth out.  347 pounds.

It's pretty easy to say that.  I mean, you see it, why can't I say it?  People are so scared to say their number. If you're not blind, you see it.  I'm not ashamed.

Not being ashamed, however, does not mean I'm okay with this.

I am not ashamed of my weight.  I do not condone it either.  Today, it just IS WHAT IT IS.  I do not LOVE my body or have wonderful self image.  I do LOVE myself and have wonderful self love because like I mentioned earlier, I'm awesome.

I think I'm a pretty good wife, an always getting better mother, a lovely friend because it is reflected back in the friends who keep my company and they are AMAZING.  I have the BEST friends ever.

I'm a corny, over-the-top, shouting from the rooftops happy person, in a very non-threatening, sensible way. It's an inner giggle, like I have my own inner bestie shooting me funnies all day. I've done life as a victim and it was exhausting.  I do life as a survivor.  I do life as Heavenly Father would have me do it, as best I can.  I love my life.

I eat when I'm happy.  I eat to celebrate.  I eat when others are eating.  I eat when I see something good. I eat to decompress after a full day.  I have eaten when I've been depressed.  I have eaten when life wasn't fair.  I have eaten to block misery.  As a victim, I ate for years, and years, and years.  I'm not ashamed of that victim.  I feel sorry for her.  I've cried with her. And now it's time to hug her and just get up and dance.

Something has changed to bring me to today.  I don't think I need to eat to fill a happy-less void.  I mean, there are dark days just as summer has a winter, but overall I see that sun shining through the blizzard...unless it's -40.  Come on, if we're being honest some days just plain suck.

But I've learned that most of the time, it doesn't suck.  Tomorrow happens to be a new calendar page, it so happens to be a first day in a month.  I wasn't waiting for a time to start, my package just got delivered this afternoon (yay!).  If we want to be OCD about it, it's actually a Thursday and if I waited for a Monday, on the first to start, I just don't care to find out when that is and so I won't because it would be forever and I'm ready now.  I'm doing it tomorrow.  I'm jumping into a program to set me up for success.  I choose not to divulge what the program is at this time, but know it ends in 90 days and I'm excited to share the next 90 days and my findings with you.

Here it is: this is a naked as I feel and you can thank me for not getting any more naked.
It's time to put into action what I've been learning the last few months about myself.
Only awesome ahead!

100 days of no yelling

It's been months and months since Abby gave up kissing me goodnight.  My big girl has finally grown up! She likes to give me hugs, we share a little "cheeky" where we smoosh our cheeks together, and that's it. Then Daddy takes her upstairs for her bedtime routine.

I figured that it seemed a little early, a little young that she'd given up mouth kisses already.  I remember giving up my mouth kisses with my own mother but not until I started school.  I was too embarrassed for anyone to see me kissing Mommy!

At first I felt a little rejected.  I mean, I'm not the favourite.  First of all, Daddy has always had Daddy's little girl.  I've come to terms with that.  I've grown to love what that relationships means to Abby and her daddy. I loved that they shared such a special bond. But when she gave up mouth kisses, again I felt a rejected.  Abby's always been very affectionate and loving. So I came to realize that maybe this was just her growing into herself, asserting her independence. 

Until I started noticing her pulling away from long cuddles.  

No more mouth kisses.

Starting her three year old attitude (I thought it was terrible twos, not threes!).

And I craved the closeness we used to have.  

Then it dawned on me one afternoon. I cannot recall what happened for me to lose it, but she bore the brunt of my yelling. Again. I'm such a yeller.  I was loud.  I was scary. It was enough to send me into tears after I was done.  I made up for it.  After I let out, I would always scoop her up into my arms, tell her I love her, tell her that Mommy was having a hard time.  It wasn't her fault. That she was awesome.  Important.  Smart.  A good person.  A good friend.  

But then that afternoon I noticed that her forgiveness was apathetic. I had immediate tunnel vision. All I could see was that I was trying to mend a broken arm with a band aid.  It just wasn't working anymore. I needed to stop breaking that arm.  I needed to stop breaking that precious, delicate heart.

I grew up being yelled at constantly.  It's how I know to fight for me.  It's how I have a voice.  If I don't yell, I'm not being heard. The past is so manipulative to the present.

I've been reading all of these 100 days of happy posts, 100 days of clean eating, 100 days of anything.  I thought, here's my answer: 100 days of no yelling.  I will not hear my father come out of my mouth again, not one more day.

And you know what happened? Day 1 was difficult, but not impossible. Day 2 I had to fight with everything inside of me to not let loose.  I had my own time out two times that day.  On day 3 I told Abby, "You know how Mommy would normally yell right now?  I didn't!  Are you proud of me?"  The smile on her face told me her emphatic, "YES!" wasn't a lie.

Then Day 4 happened.  The guilt consumed me.  I felt like the worst person on earth.  I felt like I was ruining this precious child.  I was damaging her.  Not because I broke and yelled, but because the night of Day 4, I got a goodnight mouth kiss.

And on Day 5, I got kisses all over my legs when I was just doing dishes.  I got cuddles when I sat down to take a break.  

Day 6 and on since, I've had sweet cuddles and mouth kisses at bedtime, and randomly during the day.  I've gotten smiles during times that I felt it all throughout my chest to break, and when I didn't, I saw light beaming from those two little chocolate brown eyes.

Each and every moment is an opportunity to heal and recreate awesome.  I used to think my apologies were enough. The band aid is a honest effort, but it's not enough.  It's learning that a band aid is not the solution, but embracing that arm so it won't break in the first place, is the ultimate step to awesome.

I don't need 100 days to accomplish anything.  I just need this moment, right now.

Feeling awesome today?  Yes.  Waking up to day 15 tomorrow, and that will just be my measuring stick... ready to just be present in the moment with that little girl, and ready for those kisses!

Far above rubies

For Grandma,

 

Proverbs 31

10 ¶ Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

14 She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

<3

Erica