What it means for me when I'm up starting a brand new blog at 1:18 in the morning

I decided that I needed to update my wardrobe tonight.

That decision came to me at 8 pm and by 9 pm I had ordered over two hundred dollars worth of clothes online. Once I did that, I started thinking about how not stable that decision was, for me. Did these wonderful flooding of ideas start after almost fully recovered from my tonsillectomy nearly 2 weeks ago when I started working again? Am I just excited for this promotion that I'm working on? Perhaps I just thought since I'm ordering so much bling for my home business, that I needed proper clothes to match and this was a fair and logical step.

I am in the fashion industry, after all, and this 300+ pound model (Disclaimer: let me be clear that the term "model" is used with heavy sarcasm) isn't winning awards by wearing holy yoga pants and a dingy, almost stained long sleeve shirt.  I mean, the jewelry that I sell from my amazing parent company, Park Lane, is arguably gorgeous.  It can quite miraculously transform this average looking, mature (in age) mama of 2 littles under 3 years into a put together, decent looking mother of 2 beautiful young daughters. So it makes sense that I need some clothes to match my product if I think that I want to present it as well as it deserves.

So two hundred dollars down, I am immediately aware of my decision.  I allow my thoughts to permeate.  I reflect on the fact that this is a good step in my business, but a wary step in my life.  It's not that hubs and I cannot afford the two hundred dollars, it's what the two hundred dollars represents.

Impulse spending.

Then on my way to sleep for the first time tonight, I type up a title for a convo Facebook message to friends: "Hot Thursday Mornings," referring to our sweaty dates at the gym.  Ahhh, what a deliciously fetching blog name! I should start up a blog!  And at 1:18 in the morning, Hot Thursday Mornings was born.

Impulsive decision making.

Racing thoughts.

Earlier in the evening on my way through Facebook before punching off the phone for the night, for good, a friend had commented on her own status how she feels inadequate to receive compliments. I do not blame her.  We have all felt less than deserving, however, we ARE all deserving of love and acknowledgment of our own awesomeness, and I'm quick to offer my own status in response: 

"Let me tell you that if you receive a compliment, receive it like any other gift. 

'(Gasp!) Thank you so much!'

Of course you deserve it. You gift people that you love, right? Some part of them loves some part of you. 

How lovely is that? <3"

This friend proceeded to share my status, commenting, "Wise words."  (Stay with me here. This boast serves a purpose.) Okay, only a few times have my thoughts ever been raised up to celebrity status.  I'm feeling great at this point--an exaggerated sense of my own importance.

I'm a flipping genius and I will write a best seller.

And each time I think I'm going to write a best seller, my dreams come crashing down.  My therapist once shook her head at me, with a little smirk, "So you know what happens now when you're at risk for becoming hypomanic."

Little known fact about me, I have bipolar 2 disorder.  If anyone knows about bipolar, or thinks they know about it, I'm not the kind that people think of when they think of the Hollywood definition of mania.  I hardly ever give myself a Britney Spears shave and start hitting cars with umbrellas. Mine is more mellow--hypomania to use the correct term.  I have had bouts of debilitating major depression, and continue to have swings of intense, on-top-of-the-world creativity scattered around, typically, seasonal lows. I have been in over a year long weekly treatment of psychodynamic therapy before and during my entire second pregnancy. Proponents of medication may scoff at me for declining medicinal therapy.  As I stated earlier, my highs are quite tame and do not, for the most part, interfere with my daily life.  I have learned how to manage them through sleep hygiene (as I'm ironically dirty awake right now), and reflecting on spending (ahem) and decision making; self affirmation, prayer, quiet time, self enforced happy activity making during my lows. I'm okay.  My family is okay.  I am, however, not beyond getting help if needed.  I have practiced over and over, and make it a mission to be self-aware.  I just have a little disruption a few times a year, and it's all just about me, aside from an unpleasant swing of mood as a moldy cherry on the melted ice cream.  Honest.  If there ever comes a time that my family tells me otherwise, I'm going to revisit prescriptions. I am truthfully reflective and self-aware (thank you nursing education!).

Close friends don't even know this about me.  I'm assuming now they do if their reading comprehension is up to date. That's okay.  Hopefully it sheds light on my mood swings--how one day maybe I'm too closed off, and the next we're having a party in 2 days.  Funny that: an introvert wanting to go outside and play with friends! It does happen.  The point is, this is what it means for me when I'm up starting a brand new blog at 1:18 in the morning: 

High energy, goal-directed activity.

I am forcing myself to go to sleep after I post into the internets.  This thought process has brought me to 2:30 am.

Restlessness and difficulty relaxing.

We have play dates, and dishes, and laundry, and office making tomorrow, along with all the other beautiful living that comes along breathing in day to day life.  I hope to not speak too much of my disorder, maybe even never again, as it's just a tiny part of me. But it's the tiny part of me that started up this blog and was worth an explanation. The goal of this whole slapping the keyboard really is to spread joy. I'm on a personal mission to live a good life and make up for all the not so good life that has been lived. Small regrets encapsulated in huge opportunities for growth. Keeping an optimistic heart open to the world. Serving.  Loving. Throwing in some creative outlet for good measure.

I hope you enjoy!

-Erica 

P.S. Too many thoughts and too much energy aside, time is still a constant and a few hours of sleep is required. 2:55 am.  Eventually I'll be making this blog a little prettier on the eyes. Please forgive the lackluster viewing.