The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Here it is:

The Good...we'll say, "Me."  As in Me, Erica, and I'm awesome! 

The Bad...let's call it what it is, "Obese." As in I'm so obese that I have health issues and both my parents died prematurely of lifestyle related diseases, and I have 2 little girls who need 2 old parents, and I'm not going to see them grow if I die like my parents, living the lifestyle they did. (Phew)

The Ugly...honestly, "Baby got back." Waaaaaaaay too much back.  

Now that that's out of the way, let's call the Truth out.  347 pounds.

It's pretty easy to say that.  I mean, you see it, why can't I say it?  People are so scared to say their number. If you're not blind, you see it.  I'm not ashamed.

Not being ashamed, however, does not mean I'm okay with this.

I am not ashamed of my weight.  I do not condone it either.  Today, it just IS WHAT IT IS.  I do not LOVE my body or have wonderful self image.  I do LOVE myself and have wonderful self love because like I mentioned earlier, I'm awesome.

I think I'm a pretty good wife, an always getting better mother, a lovely friend because it is reflected back in the friends who keep my company and they are AMAZING.  I have the BEST friends ever.

I'm a corny, over-the-top, shouting from the rooftops happy person, in a very non-threatening, sensible way. It's an inner giggle, like I have my own inner bestie shooting me funnies all day. I've done life as a victim and it was exhausting.  I do life as a survivor.  I do life as Heavenly Father would have me do it, as best I can.  I love my life.

I eat when I'm happy.  I eat to celebrate.  I eat when others are eating.  I eat when I see something good. I eat to decompress after a full day.  I have eaten when I've been depressed.  I have eaten when life wasn't fair.  I have eaten to block misery.  As a victim, I ate for years, and years, and years.  I'm not ashamed of that victim.  I feel sorry for her.  I've cried with her. And now it's time to hug her and just get up and dance.

Something has changed to bring me to today.  I don't think I need to eat to fill a happy-less void.  I mean, there are dark days just as summer has a winter, but overall I see that sun shining through the blizzard...unless it's -40.  Come on, if we're being honest some days just plain suck.

But I've learned that most of the time, it doesn't suck.  Tomorrow happens to be a new calendar page, it so happens to be a first day in a month.  I wasn't waiting for a time to start, my package just got delivered this afternoon (yay!).  If we want to be OCD about it, it's actually a Thursday and if I waited for a Monday, on the first to start, I just don't care to find out when that is and so I won't because it would be forever and I'm ready now.  I'm doing it tomorrow.  I'm jumping into a program to set me up for success.  I choose not to divulge what the program is at this time, but know it ends in 90 days and I'm excited to share the next 90 days and my findings with you.

Here it is: this is a naked as I feel and you can thank me for not getting any more naked.
It's time to put into action what I've been learning the last few months about myself.
Only awesome ahead!