Again...and again, and again.

Honestly. 

I've been hiding out for the last two weeks thinking I would kick it into high gear and come back with an amazing one-week-off-rebound story. That didn't happen. I'm sitting here bloated and ill, back to the old lonely feeling again of why. WHY?

This why this time is not my answer why. It's not my conviction why: why I am changing, why I feel so passionately about being "here," in the zone, ready to move mountains and run marathons. This why is the question. Why do I feel like this again? Why has the cycle repeated itself again? Why am I up. Up. UP? Again? Why am I back to Square One?

My emotions get the best of me. When I'm up, I'm WAY up. When I'm down, I'm dug down deep. I wouldn't call myself depressed currently, however, I would walk the line of calling myself defeated. I'm angry at myself for being here, exactly where I need to be, and flawlessly at that. I'm lonely for not getting myself up and out quicker. Getting to this point, again, is a very isolating feeling. Rock bottom is a stone's throw away. 

This is make it or break it time. 

This is time-to-make-a-decision time. 

So, in going with my theme of stepping out of my comfort zone and in finding the how this is all going to happen, and in witnessing all that I am and how it came to be, let's get really uncomfortable for a moment. 

My weight has equalized back to the number that I started at on May 1st when I started this thing (do I dare point out that was 7+ weeks ago?). At that point in time I made a promise to myself that I would never see over that number ever again. And I'm flirting with it big time now. But in that promise, I promised myself that I would do everything to never go back. And this is where writing it all out has helped.

No matter how embarrassed I feel in this moment, no matter how I feel like I perceive that I am letting others down, no matter how this reflects me upon the world, I'm using the external pressures to change what I need to change internally. And how I feel about me, is all that truly matters. 

What I have learned from this process so far is how my body feels in health and how it feels in illness. 

I feel ill when I'm in a pattern of feeding my body junk, non-nutritive garbage. My knees hurt more. It takes more time to walk up the stairs. I don't think as clearly. I sleep poorly. I get annoyed and agitated at normal life occurrences. I just want to sit and be lazy. I feel bloated. My bowels hurt. I have no will to get up and self motivate to live. When you're my weight, waking up and facing the day is difficult. 

I'm not trying to play victim here. I'm just stating facts for those who have no idea. For those that do, you know this is bad. You know this must change. 

So today I'm at a whopping loss of ZERO pounds, which only 15 pounds less than my highest pregnancy weight, nine months in. Post-pregnancy now over a year and a half later, let's wipe the slate clean, again. 

ZERO. 

Another beginning. 

Friends, this is why I'm 34 and 347 pounds. I haven't found "it" yet. Thanks for bearing with me and supporting me to find it. But if I can give you advise, please be compassionate to those of us killing ourselves physically or emotionally trying to change this. We are working with years of bad habits. Years of bad feelings. Years of toxicity that we're trying to filter through. No matter how pumped we get and seemingly find the way, at times we'll get lost. At times that old person from the past finds their way back to the surface. 

It sucks. But I'm here to say it is what it is. I'm going to do it anyway. Recognition has happened. I'm always reminded that success comes when you take 7 steps back but you take 8 steps forward. I'm on the 7th back step...sorry, I'm on one of eight in this moment!

Thank goodness. Onward! 

Awesome likes her home here. I'm putting her back on and wearing her out, proudly again. I will preserve. Again. And again. And again until again no longer means failure, but when again means success. 

Wherever your struggles fall, pick yourself back up. Again. Brush yourself off. Again. Be awesome. Again. 

B Average Approach = A+ Life

In grade 5, I remember bringing home a B on my report card. While mom kept quiet about the B, Dad was very vocal. "Well why isn't it an A? What did you do wrong?" 

These were not teaching questions to reflect on my work, but were accusations that I hadn't done my very best. My very best was what was expected. And to get a B, clearly I wasn't performing at my A standard. 

Whether it was my personality or something I learned, truthfully I think it was a give and take of both, I felt the need to perform at the top. To be best. In everything. And when I wasn't, I fell down hard on myself. I was worthless. How could I be loved? Perfectionism became a badge of honor. I was the best. At everything. At the top I was praised. Or else I was a failure, and worse, a disappointment. 

Wearing perfectionism only served me as far as the outside world would validate it. When it became internal, when I was putting the pressure on me to keep up appearances for no other than me, it was exhausting. At times I would freeze. I would sit on the chair, stare at the wall, and sob. Immovable. Paralyzed with fear that I would fail, so failing was the self fulfilling prophesy. And as I failed more and more, the worthlessness grew and grew. 

It wasn't until I was in the infancy of motherhood and was physically and emotionally overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for a newborn when I finally broke through the barrier of perfection. I was newly diagnosed with Bipolar 2, and was working through psychodynamic therapy with a therapist who I didn't really enjoy seeing so much as it was another thing on my mountainous list of things to do, and I was now forced to find a sitter for my new baby for 3 hours, once a week. That in and of itself proved to be almost too much to handle. But I made it happen, as stressful as it was. 

And on the day, through my sobs of feeling like a worthless mother because I wasn't the perfect mother, hating myself for needing naps and not giving baby enough attention, fearing I was creating a substandard, stupid human because I wasn't singing ABC's all day long, because I hadn't washed dishes for 3 days in a row, because I had missed a shower 3 days in a row, because I turned on the TV 5 hours a day, 3 days in a row, because we ate McDonald's 3 days in a row, because I cried and cried and cried because sometimes I hated this child because she was crying 3 days in a row...not until this therapist told me that my baby was alive, and fed, that in today, all I had to do was be a good-enough mother. 

I didn't have to read her daily novels, and take perfect monthly pictures with matchy-matchy outfits, or go out and be everything to everyone all the time. 

I didn't have to have a pristine and sparkly home today. I didn't have to create fusion cuisine at every meal. I didn't have to fold laundry when my eyes were burning from utter exhaustion. I was allowed naps. I was allowed to go easy on myself. My life had changed, after all. I was allowed to get by and enjoy the simplicity in hyper-focusing on one job at hand, one moment at any given time.

It wasn't until she asked me if I could AT LEAST feed my child and keep her safe today, and that's all I needed to do today. Could I accomplish that? Of course I could. I was given permission to get by in the moment, and I was allowed to be a good-enough mother today. 

That opened my eyes to an entire new world. 

Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy/need in some instances/require an immaculate house when it's been a shanty for over a week--my brain just works better without the clutter. I still need to make some things perfect when they truly matter. I still need to create perfect lines and enjoy the beauty of organization when it's something that speaks directly to my heart. That's A+ work. 

But I don't HAVE TO, ALL of the time. 

Getting the A is sometimes cultivating a C and allowing the pieces to fall where they may. 

Sometimes, good-enough is perfectly acceptable. 

For example, today I have children. I feel myself going mad when I have been sweeping the floor 5 times a day for 5 days straight. Sometimes I throw in the broom, and I walk on crunched up graham crackers and trip over books and 1 legged Barbies. Leaving it there for a moment is C work. I pick up the spilled milk and the smeared peanut butter, but the books can stay. Good-enough for now when now is over-spent. 

I put away the dishes from the very full dishwasher, but there are dirty dishes on the counter from last night's dinner. They stay until tomorrow night. That's C work, though good-enough when the better part of me gets compromised in order to do a task that won't change the world. 

And all these things average out to a B grade on this report card of me. I could try my darnedest to do everything all of the time. I could do it all. I could work at an A+ all day long, but at what expense?

Letting go and giving up, allowing a lot of Cs and Bs to compliment my As has balanced me out so much that my B average approach has given me an A+ life. 

What is in my A+ life? 

Happiness. Simplicity. Contentment. 

There's no other feeling in life that is more valuable to me than to see my children smile joyously, or to feel a grateful smile in my own heart. I don't notice those when I'm worried about being perfect all day long. 

Long away are the days of needing to be ON, and feeling miserable in the process. Being good-enough has opened doors to genuine, authentic relationships with people. I no longer hide behind judging myself which frees up my judgments of others. No longer do I pressure myself to be ON when if what I want is off, I'll take off and enjoy it. 

There's no shame in not being perfect. There's no shame in being exactly who you are, presently where you are today. 

Once you embrace the concept of being your own authentic self, LOVE yourself for exactly who you are right now, and throw away all the expectations the world puts on you to be A+, that C will start representing "content." That A will start mirroring "all," and all is way too much for any one person. 

Now I'm not suggesting a mediocre life. I'm not suggesting doing everything with minimal integrity, and to stop caring about what's important. 

I'm suggesting a release from this perfectionist idea of all or nothing, being ON as a way of life. I'm suggesting to do your best when it matters, and when it doesn't, allow yourself to let it go when it will serve you better to do so, and to be okay with being okay with either result. 

What does your report card look like? Are you providing balance to your A+ life? Are you embracing what truly matters and allowing yourself to find the success in letting go of what doesn't matter? 

When you do you may find there's more time and energy to focus on those A goals making them even richer, cutting back a stringy existence and fulfilling an abundant life of happiness through being good-enough today. And if I'm good-enough today, I've mastered the art of me which is an A+ any day.