Again...and again, and again.

Honestly. 

I've been hiding out for the last two weeks thinking I would kick it into high gear and come back with an amazing one-week-off-rebound story. That didn't happen. I'm sitting here bloated and ill, back to the old lonely feeling again of why. WHY?

This why this time is not my answer why. It's not my conviction why: why I am changing, why I feel so passionately about being "here," in the zone, ready to move mountains and run marathons. This why is the question. Why do I feel like this again? Why has the cycle repeated itself again? Why am I up. Up. UP? Again? Why am I back to Square One?

My emotions get the best of me. When I'm up, I'm WAY up. When I'm down, I'm dug down deep. I wouldn't call myself depressed currently, however, I would walk the line of calling myself defeated. I'm angry at myself for being here, exactly where I need to be, and flawlessly at that. I'm lonely for not getting myself up and out quicker. Getting to this point, again, is a very isolating feeling. Rock bottom is a stone's throw away. 

This is make it or break it time. 

This is time-to-make-a-decision time. 

So, in going with my theme of stepping out of my comfort zone and in finding the how this is all going to happen, and in witnessing all that I am and how it came to be, let's get really uncomfortable for a moment. 

My weight has equalized back to the number that I started at on May 1st when I started this thing (do I dare point out that was 7+ weeks ago?). At that point in time I made a promise to myself that I would never see over that number ever again. And I'm flirting with it big time now. But in that promise, I promised myself that I would do everything to never go back. And this is where writing it all out has helped.

No matter how embarrassed I feel in this moment, no matter how I feel like I perceive that I am letting others down, no matter how this reflects me upon the world, I'm using the external pressures to change what I need to change internally. And how I feel about me, is all that truly matters. 

What I have learned from this process so far is how my body feels in health and how it feels in illness. 

I feel ill when I'm in a pattern of feeding my body junk, non-nutritive garbage. My knees hurt more. It takes more time to walk up the stairs. I don't think as clearly. I sleep poorly. I get annoyed and agitated at normal life occurrences. I just want to sit and be lazy. I feel bloated. My bowels hurt. I have no will to get up and self motivate to live. When you're my weight, waking up and facing the day is difficult. 

I'm not trying to play victim here. I'm just stating facts for those who have no idea. For those that do, you know this is bad. You know this must change. 

So today I'm at a whopping loss of ZERO pounds, which only 15 pounds less than my highest pregnancy weight, nine months in. Post-pregnancy now over a year and a half later, let's wipe the slate clean, again. 

ZERO. 

Another beginning. 

Friends, this is why I'm 34 and 347 pounds. I haven't found "it" yet. Thanks for bearing with me and supporting me to find it. But if I can give you advise, please be compassionate to those of us killing ourselves physically or emotionally trying to change this. We are working with years of bad habits. Years of bad feelings. Years of toxicity that we're trying to filter through. No matter how pumped we get and seemingly find the way, at times we'll get lost. At times that old person from the past finds their way back to the surface. 

It sucks. But I'm here to say it is what it is. I'm going to do it anyway. Recognition has happened. I'm always reminded that success comes when you take 7 steps back but you take 8 steps forward. I'm on the 7th back step...sorry, I'm on one of eight in this moment!

Thank goodness. Onward! 

Awesome likes her home here. I'm putting her back on and wearing her out, proudly again. I will preserve. Again. And again. And again until again no longer means failure, but when again means success. 

Wherever your struggles fall, pick yourself back up. Again. Brush yourself off. Again. Be awesome. Again.