New Year's Eve!

It's the strangest feeling. I have no idea what everyone is doing for New Years. I'm resisting the urge right now to go login to FB to see all of their posts of joy on this holiday, the turning over the new calendar. 

Our feast was a buffet of crackers and cheeses, fish, mandarins, and little tater tots all wrapped in cheese, bacon, and brown sugar. Little pieces of pound cake and strawberries bathed in Toblerone fondue finished off the night.  I thought about taking a picture. I'd take this picture to share. But I didn't snap a quick 10 photos to post the best one. Important in the moment, captured moments at present, but nothing that I need for later. I was sad in so much that I craved  to connect with others. But I was also collecting it in a tiny box, safe and like a secret treasure connecting with my own family. Even writing this I'm holding back from logging in. It's crazy, but I miss my circles already! I texted a friend, and returned a message from another. These two people happen to be the best of the best, it stands to reason that we'd be in touch after my exit. It didn't effect us anyhow. 

Officially gone are the days of FB, at least for this year. I wonder how long it will be before I stop going to press a button not there. I wonder how long it'll be before and if I start texting all my close-ones for interaction. I wonder how much of my life will become silent. 

For now I go break the spine of my 2nd passion planner, and get into bed well before the midnight hour. Part of my reboot is my health and sleep is a major factor in its success. It baffles me that I won't be seeing happy faces and fireworks before I close my eyes tonight. But then again, I get to keep all of my thoughts to me. I don't hate it. 

Simply Me

My FB and IG mobile apps are history. In the two hours since, I've gone to check my phone twice to scroll, a little shocked, a little, "Oh, right," each time. "Now what?" actually crossed my lips with honest puffs of disconcerting air. 

Now what?

Resolutions: little pieces of life that one resolves to lead. There are 6 sprinklings of refinement this year that are begging for me to address. They all sit anxiously under an umbrella of incredulity, wincing at the thought of taking action. Waiting, longing for so long to dance in the rain, forgetting how to pull up their boots. 

Today I take a step forward. Out of the shelter of fear into the heaviness of a hope long forgotten, I wade in the waters of a tide obliterating the childish stone-wall castles I've built. There comes a time to put the buckets and shovels away, wipe away the sand from in between the toes, and go back home to square one. 

I'm terrified. My safe place is disarray, the bustling chaos of emptiness. The meaningless things around me pushing me to be more, do more, stay busy, stay loud, live devoid of richness and curiosity of what I am made of rather than what the things have made me. 

The theme I've chosen for 2017: simplicity. There is richness and fullness in the quiet spaces of simplicity. Simplicity is basic, one foundation to live on that is anything but basic. It is one earth to be grounded upon, with wide open spaces to truly be all of the things without all of the things. 

1) Lose the weight that's holding me back. Literal body weight. But no more diets, no more crazy workouts, no more musts-in-order-to-succeed. Looking at it from a viewpoint that was so satirically apt in an SNL skit, "Eat less, move more." That's it. Simple. 

2) Cash budget. Buy what we can afford. Grey area emergency credit card for things like flat tires or the roof gets blown away or the basement gets flooded. Fast food is never an emergency. Simple. 

3) Get to know God better. Pray, read 1+ pages of scripture a day, serve in my calling with minimal but spiritually guided prep. 20 minutes a week. Simple. 

4) Organize the house down to the spoon. Konmari is the way, the joy, the way for me. One half hour a day. Simple. 

5) Organize pictures from my computer, and long forgotten emails. 100 emails a day. 100 pictures a day. Should take 10 minutes. Simple. 

6) No more social media--for the most part. A post a month on IG to document my changing body. A blog post when I feel like writing. What a potentially magnificent gift of minutes I'm going to give to myself. #silent17. Simple. 

Simply 6. Simple reset. Simply me.

What are your simples? Or even not so simple but that your resolve will simply get what you are after? 

A New Year Without Social Media

Oh, social media. You are part of my life. You make my life a part of others' lives. I am connected to my inner and outer circles by the same vehicle. I need you. 

But do I really need you?

You play a part in very present society. My community, my people, my life is being lived and shared through you. 

Through you I am expected to stay connected to my people. The majority of my social engagements be it cyber chit chat or invitations to meet face-to-face revolve around being connected...through you. If I wasn't hanging out with you, would I be hanging out with anybody? Would I become lonely, forgotten, a ghost of a memory on someone's wall? Would I be sought out or viewed rude not to reply to something I didn't know was happened but because of you, I was expected to answer?

Here comes the question if I make some grand announcement to my people that I am leaving you. Or do I walk away and hope that I am neither rude nor left behind? Will my people remember me apart from their lists of people? How much life will I lose? How much life will I gain? I've been with you for so long and I'm having some sort of internal crisis. It's not you, it's me, and something has to change. I think we need some space. 

I love my people. I love being invited to share their joys--new jobs, new loves, new babies, new changes for hope and security and love. I want them to know I'm rooting for them and that I love them. I'm excited for their excitement. I feel sorrow in their sorrows. They won't know that in their moments though, but I do. They're awesome. 

Dear the massive, underlying connection to my world, I need to find me through me. Along with a mountain of other adventures I've set to climb, 2017 is one year that I am both crazy ready to start and crazy scared to step into. But as far as you are concerned, social media, you are my project #silent17. I'm leaving one platform open for 13 posts to document one of my adventures and otherwise I hope the good old fashioned phone calls, texts, and messages will sustain me. 

All the best everything,

#silent17 commences. 

Procrastination and deadlines. ALL me.

I open up this blog on September 5th with great intentions for writing my me, and haven't touched it yet. I kept putting it off, procrastination. Now faced with the overwhelming pressure to write something by this evening, a deadline I which I put on myself, this is what all of the stress amounted to. An excuse for why I haven't done it. This is not something I don't want to do. There's nothing pushing me to make this happen. I've wanted to write me for over a decade and I keep starting then failing. All I can think about tonight is yet another failure. Not a creative moment, but I guess if I'm writing me, this is exactly me. What a rough, rough, unrefined, ROUGH start to something that in my heart feels so important and so special. At least I made an eleventh hour attempt? I'm not completely hopeless? I haven't fully given up on myself? This is me...sigh. At least I haven't lost hope. 

*Edit...I got it in before the deadline, me. It's awful garbage but it's a start. And it truly is me.