9 Year Orphan

9 years ago I was officially orphaned.

I mean, can you even be considered an orphan when you're an adult? 

Is the impact of a parentless blow softened with age; that a child is only a child in youth and an adult only remains a child on a technicality? 

Is it any less true to be an orphan once you've already left the nest, out on your own anyway?

Does it make it any less true when you're struggling through learning about the world and finding yourself, that you can't just pick up the phone and ask a parent "how-to" everything, when everyone that can just pick up the phone to the answers of the universe on the other line, don't even think twice about that gift?

Does it make it any less true that perhaps you do have that someone, and if you're lucky many someones in your life with to bounce off both brilliant and idiotic ideas; that when they don't call you out on those idiotic ideas to save face, but also don't jump up and down for small sparks of genius, that you might be covered in all aspects of the good times and the bad; as if honest, unconditional truth that only a parent can give is lost when you turn 18?

Does it make it any less true when you've grown and your parents didn't watch your children take their first steps because at least they watched you take yours, that you are the one to celebrate your grown-up accomplishments and grandparents are just there for the ride?

Is it any less true because you "at least" knew them growing up and "at least" you weren't younger and "at least" you didn't need them at a tender age, and "at least" you weren't lowly or poor, bounced back and forth through the system sustained on cabbage water and nightmares?

Is it any less true just because it hardly happens to anyone you know, and it certainly didn't happen to you?

Sometimes I feel like a victim. Sometimes it's not fair. 'And sometimes I feel like I was robbed when my mom died even so many more years before, and as so many years after were lost in hate with the dad that was left to do the best he could manage through whatever diseases plagues his body and mind. 

'And sometimes that orphan feels entitled to a medal just for surviving. Sometimes I'm so broken that one piece is here and one piece evaporated; that no matter how much glue mends the fractures in my heart, there isn't enough sunshine to dry a rainy day. 

On the contrary, sometimes I cringe that playing a victim is even a suggestion of my mind. Sometimes the awesomeness that is my self-contrived life prevails, that despite of some whatever circumstances of today, I am whole and that's the only thing that matters; that my oneness is unfading and doesn't need to be saved or helped along, or even comforted with kind gestures or words. Sometimes the awesome is all too stoic and creates a stubborn defense against a sweet innocence that was picked off before it had a chance to ripen. 

'And sometimes there's a middle ground. Sometimes it's simply that I just miss my mom and dad, and sometimes that I just miss my mommy and daddy, but then I get up, and I just am. 

It's both homelessness and liberation; orphaned or not, I'm feeling it ALL today.